New Year 2020 Crypto Shopping Guide for Filthy Rich Hodlers


A new year heralds the opportunity for a new beginning. The start of a new life cycle. As the clock strikes midnight on Jan. 1, the year 2019 will be dealt a fatal blow by old father time, a cold-hearted act of destruction that would inspire Thanos himself. 


Soon, all that will remain of 2019 will be a handful of dust. For many cultures around the world, the New Year is a time celebrated with gifts. Here’s how anyone can spend their crypto like an oligarch this festive season. 

Luxury goods

So, you’ve bought Bitcoin, managed to prevail the treacherous waters of the international crypto markets, and the only thing left now is to spend it like a high roller. 

You might be worth $10 million, but what good is that if you are still sitting in your stained ironic t-shirt and moth-eaten boxer shorts? Your home office might be the domain from which you wield your fearsome financial power, but out there in the real world, appearances count. What’s the point of making fast money if you can’t dress like someone who just discovered an oil reserve in their backyard?

Lanieri is an Italian tailor with stores in most capital cities in Europe. From garish to debonair, Lanieri can suit anyone’s personal style. Most importantly, it accepts payment in crypto. 

For those looking to splurge on more than just expensive threads, some retailers are more than willing to relieve investors of their Bitcoin in exchange for luxury goods. claims to be the world’s first Bitcoin-only luxury boutique. From this single website, the hotshots of the Bitcoin world can buy a Rolex Yacht-Master II at a discounted price of only 5.55 BTC (about $36,500). 

When it comes to flashing the cash, it’s common knowledge that watches are entry level. One could have an average annual salary’s worth of watch glittering on their wrist, but nobody will take that person seriously if they turn up in a battered station wagon. 

Nothing says small endowment, high net worth like a grossly overpriced car. Coincidentally, the Bitdials luxury goods empire emcompasses, where big players can splurge on Bentleys, Rolls-Royces, Ferraris and more. Come Jan. 1, it’ll be time to step up the car game  ⁠— from 42 BTC to 200 BTC a pop ⁠— and ride into 2020 in style. 

New Year is the perfect time to turn one’s life into a pastiche of MTV’s “Pimp My Ride.” Fortunately, it is becoming easier than ever to display wealth and bad taste all at the same time. From cars to wristwatches, crypto can be used to become a target most petty criminals could previously only dream of. 

Capital flight: Travel meets crypto

After a tumultuous year in cryptocurrency, dedicated hodlers deserve a well-earned break. What better way to cleanse the corpse-like pallor of the most committed crypto investor than a dose of winter sun? 

For many years, those who had amassed their precious hordes of crypto looked to spend it anywhere they could. No matter how many doors they knocked on, there was never room at the inn — until now. Travala, a service that lets its users pay for hotel stays with cryptocurrency, partnered up with in November this year. 

Just weeks ago, the world’s crypto titans were cut down to size by the prospect of a meager hotel booking. Hotel receptionists are famously unfazed by large Twitter followings or branded Bitcoin jewelry being flashed in their face. But no longer will mere administrative procedures stand in the way of the mighty crypto elites swarming to the tourist hotspots of the world. 

Although the frost could well be setting in for another crypto winter at this transformative time of year, investors with itchy feet could swap mining for the Maldives or another 90,000 destinations available worldwide.

Crypto’s spread into the travel industry is not contained to hotels alone. Though cryptocurrency’s fortunes have taken a nosedive in the twilight of 2019, it has never been easier to power flight than now.

Alternative Airlines, a travel company based in the United Kingdom, teamed up with cryptocurrency service Utrust to power payments with crypto. Aspiring millionaires should note that the Alternative Airlines service also sources flights from budget carriers — although excess emotional baggage needs to be checked-in at an additional cost.

If history is anything to go by, newly minted millionaires like other people to know just how important they are. No longer will the kings and queens of the crypto world have to slum it with the great unwashed as they queue at passport control. 

Nothing will show the poor, impressionable airport staff that your wallet is shuddering with the weight of wealth more than chartering a jet with PrivateFly. They’re more than happy to accept Bitcoin so you get a chance to show the small people of the world how much of a massive baller you are. 

Digital fortunes, analogue learning

The festive period is rightly criticized for being overly commercial. As the New Year looms ever closer, it is time to both reflect on 2019 and set goals for the year to come. Each year, people tell themselves that they will be better, feel more fulfilled and be more productive. But how often do those paltry promises made to our naive December-selves fall through in just the first few weeks of the year? 

Human beings are feckless creatures that need reinforcement to move forward. So, what better way to invest in the future of yourself or a loved one than with the most wholesome gift one can give: education. Gifting someone tuition at a university is a commitment to expanding the mind, with permanent and measurable results. Education has been the path toward a better life for hundreds of years, and you can now invest in your future with Bitcoin. 

Some investors got lucky, others flew through on intuition alone. Many whales buy the dip and ride the wave all the way to the top. For investing impresarios who have learned everything there is to know about raking in the profits of cryptocurrency, it could be time to diversify that mental portfolio. 

Switzerland, home to the so-called “Crypto Valley” in the canton of Zug, is famous for its welcoming approach to both cryptocurrency and the many business ventures that come with it. For those looking to fund further education as a stepping stone into one of Europe’s hotbeds of crypto innovation, a course at the Lucerne University of Applied Sciences paid for in Bitcoin could be just the ticket. 

Want to study in a German-speaking environment without sacrificing that seductive capital city lifestyle? Then the ESMT Berlin business school could serve up just the education experience you’ve been craving for. 

But if the varying climates of Switzerland and Germany seem too chilly for warmer-blooded investors, the University of Nicosia in Cyprus is another option — and has been accepting Bitcoin payments since 2013. 

With a degree under your belt, you could not only become even more insufferable on Twitter, but also confidently correct unwitting strangers in bars and on public transport. You can frame the certificate after graduation and put it in your downstairs toilet, where visitors to the home will become humbled and refer to your wise counsel in conflict situations henceforth. Fueled by the awesome power of your cryptocurrency wealth, the first step to bending the world to your will could be taken as early as 2020. 

Sats for tats

What screams rebellion more than the rejection of the global financial system as a whole? Your crypto is burning a hole in your pocket, but that pales in comparison to the renegade spirit blazing eternally in the heart. Sadly for militant crypto maximalists, undermining mainstream finance one trade at a time is slow and inconspicuous work. What’s more, if mainstream finance is sharp suits and a high-end gym membership, crypto is dad bod with a neckbeard. 

So, this New Year, shave that patchy facial hair and dust the cheeto crumbs from your sweatpants, because it’s time to bridge the gap between the cypher-punk spirit and that IT technician energy. Hodlers imbued by the wild energy of crypto-anarchism can pay in Bitcoin for symbols of resistance guaranteed to turn your parents’ stomachs: tattoos. Take that, Dad. 

Iconic Berlin tattoo parlor, Bitch Wedding, accepts payment in Bitcoin. Alternatively, for investors living in the U.K., I Hate Tattoos will also take payment in Bitcoin.

Nothing shows a commitment to your lifelong crypto ideals more than forever etching them into the skin. This way, you can win arguments both on the street and on Twitter. Bank staff will fear you, bouncers and security guards will nod at you with respect, and your partner will fawn over you like the tech-savvy architect of the heart you used to be.